On June 24, 2007, 11 Biola students and I got off of this plane in Xian, China. We were met by a blast of humid heat and our first breath of thick, polluted air. It was so exciting! Suddenly no more people looked like us or spoke our language. Chinese characters filled signs that were no longer bilingual for our convenience. People spoke their beautiful Mandarin to one another, probably commenting on what such a diverse group of young Americans could possibly be doing in Xian.
And there I was, confident in my ability to learn language quickly, confident in my ability to relate well with the team, and just generally confident in my ability. Honestly, what I was most confident in was my ability to be in the presence of God. And pride is the root that was growing in my heart. Confidence can be healthy but pride leads to destruction. The next day, I recognized that root and repented of it, writing this in my journal: Blessed mercy fall on me. Blessed forgiveness cover me. Father, I repent of the darkness covering me and I ask that you remove it completely from me. Re-teach me how to administer knowledge. I have ruined the value of my knowledge by utilizing it for my own glory. Change me.
I don't know exactly how to describe my spiritual movement from that place. There is so much that just confused me. I had been used to a life with Christ in which I recognized my sin, repented, and moved on with life as usual. I had never really encountered this thing called testing. I had spent a few weeks in New York city prior to going to China and while I was there, the Lord had spoken powerfully to me from Genesis 24. It is a beautiful story of how a servant of Abraham finds Rebekah and asks her to be the bride of Isaac. He is sitting at the well outside of the city and he tells the Lord that which ever girl he asks to draw water for him will also draw for his camels. Rebekah comes toward him, and just as he had prayed, she offers him water and then waters his camels as well. The narrative describes Rebekah going back and forth from the well to the camels. Then the servant takes out a ring and puts it in her nose, and puts bracelets on her wrists. It would be so easy to miss, but in between these two events there is a little verse that illuminates so much. Genesis 24:21 says this, Meanwhile, the man was gazing at her in silence, to know whether the Lord had made his journey successful or not.
Why did he need anymore proof that the Lord had made his journey successful?! She was the one who had watered the camels! She is described as being a beautiful virgin, one of the right blood lines and the right age. What more could he have needed confirmation of?
I think that when God beckons us to higher places with Him, He often spends a little time gazing at us even though He knows we already said yes and that we are the perfect son or daughter for the job. He wants to watch our character in action. He wants to see us do the things He has hoped we would do, the things that make us just perfect for the job He has for us. And it is a wonderful gaze, a gaze of love and of admiration. It is not a gaze of questioning or doubt but of pride that His child is doing exactly what they should be doing.
How long the servant stared at Rebekah, we do not know. But after arriving in China the last thing I had expected God to do was simply gaze at me. I needed Him to be active. I needed Him to help me carry all of that water for the camels to drink. I didn't have enough strength or enough will to do it. I eventually became very confused by what He was doing. If He loved me and wanted me to do this, then surely He would not have brought me all the way to China simply to gaze at me with some pride in His eyes!
The following is one of the poems I wrote during this time of confusion...
You have been quiet lately
Are you upset, what is wrong?
Is it something I said?
I know I'm always talking and I say the stupidest things.
Is it something I have done?
I didnt mean it, I assure you.
You are not usually like this
I'm getting to know you
I have been standing here waiting for you to say something.
Cant you just give me something?
Anything.
Even one word.
-Caitlin-
What!?
You've been saying that for a while now.
I would love a bit more interaction. A conversation maybe.
Why are you looking at me? Staring at me?
Your eyes hold mine. They have been holding for so long.
I can no longer hold your gaze
I can no longer look into your eyes
Your eyes are full but I cannot read their contents.
I love you!
I need you!
Would you please just say something?!
Clarity is something I treasure in my interactions between God and I, so you can only imagine how this ambiguity and this confusion was devastating. By my third day in China I was begging God to meet me, to let me here His voice and to give me a glimpse of His face. I wrote, Father, where have you gone? Why cant I hear your voice? Is it something I'm doing to cause you to silence your voice? Is it my ears that cant listen or hear? Why are you so silent? I miss you. I am content to be your servant, your child, but I need to know you are near. I want to be alive again. Am I talking into the dark? Am I screaming into an abyss that is empty? All that happens is my words return to me. I cannot do this anymore, this waiting and hoping you will return. Despair is setting in. Save me from this hopelessness. What father would abandon his daughter right when she needs him the most?
These were some of the darkest moments of my life. These were some of the most difficult tears to swallow. In fact, most of the time I lived in the puddle of my tears.
Confusion without answers leads often to hurt. And my heart began to hurt...
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