weak=strong?

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distress, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Imagine.

I'm walking from my room in the hotel at XISU (Xi'an International Students University) toward the front gate. Only having been in China a few days, I am trying to adjust to the fast pace lives we are living as well as to process all that I have already seen. I am tired, physically weak and I am really getting sick of how distant God seems. But we are on our way to Uygur corner.

Every Tuesday night some of the foreigners meet a few Uygurs at one of the restaurants near their school and speak English with them. Uygurs are an unreached people group who live in Northwest China. They are descendants of the Turks and thus look nothing like the Han Chinese, who is the dominant group in China. Also, because of their background they are nearly all Muslims. So with a culture that understands some aspects of who God is and does not reject the possibility of His existence, they are some of the easiest people to talk to about the gospel in China. At the same time, they are some of the most difficult because of their dedication to Islam.

You can feel the excitement amongst the members of my team. Most are excited to meet a new group of people, try a new kind of food and initiate some good conversations about some difficult topics. All I can think about is how confused I am that God is so quiet. And I think I needed some alone time too. I have some major extrovert tendencies, but after being with the same 13 people for 5 days I was ready for a break. One of the team members came over to me, sensing my apprehension, and asked me if I was okay. I tried to look convincing as I told him I was fine, but that probably did little good. Then he patted me on the back and said, Dad's been a little distant lately, hasn't He? I nodded hoping that he would offer me some help or pray with me right there. But he patted me on the back again and walked away.

That was it. I couldn't walk any further without knowing that He was right there by my side. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. The whole team had begun to walk again and so, trying to hold back the tears, I walked with them. I got about 10 steps and I couldn't hold them back any longer. Hot tears came streaming down my face and I screamed at God in my heart that I needed His presence and His comfort and I needed Him to hold my hand. I wasn't angry, I was just really scared. The loneliness got even stronger each second I didn't hear His assuring voice in my heart.

We rounded the corner of this little market where the restaurant was located and up ahead I could see the flight of stairs we were about to climb. Next to those stairs was a huge poster advertising a movie. On it was a huge face of an evil looking clown and some horrible looking Chinese characters. At this point fear over took me. It was as though I was being ushered by Satan deep into the depths of darkness. I felt such a demonic presence all around me. As I started climbing the stairs I needed to say the Name of Jesus. The first time I said it, it came out quiet but strong. And then it was like something had jumped on my chest pulling all of the air out of my lungs. I tried to say it again but nothing came out. And then whatever was on my chest got heavier, so I tried to say it again, but it just kept getting heavier. More tears streamed down my face. Not only did I feel alone, but now I felt like a little firefly trying to light up a stadium of darkness. What happened to The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness does not comprehend it?!

I was able to get myself together as we walked into the restaurant and as we all settled around a large table with some Uygur friends, I felt a little more peace. But the fear was still real and the disappointment in God began to take root in my heart. Why had He not come to my rescue? Why would He not just simply give me the abundance of peace that I know He possesses? I wrote this in my journal that night: I suddenly could only question God about why He had brought me here and then left me all alone--or seemingly alone. There are so many battles I cannot fight. There are so many things I cannot do without knowing He is right there.

This is one of the most difficult things to share with you because all of these feelings are still very real. This is the scene Satan has thrown in my face over and over when he tells me that God failed me in China. He shows me how he triumphed over me, preventing me even from whispering the Name of Jesus. I will never forget the rawness of these horrible moments.

About one month ago, sometime in January, I was with some friends and we were worshiping and praying together. Suddenly the Lord took my hand and in my minds eye, He led me again through this experience. It was as though I was reliving the whole thing. Each fear and each feeling of terror came again upon me. But then I heard Him say In your weakness, I am strong. And suddenly it was like the camera panned out and I had birds eye view of what was really going on.

I saw myself walking, exactly as I described, but this time I saw an entire army of angels at my back. My tear stained face was the face of their general. With each step I took they advanced deeper and deeper into the darkness. They were all holding large swords and with each step that I took they defeated swarms of little demons. But none of them ever entered into my peripheral vision. None of them ever touched me.

As I walked up those stairs, at the top of them was Jesus. He was gazing at me in silence. He had tears streaming down His face too. His tears were tears of pride and of amazement that His beloved would cry out to Him in moments such as this. His heart grew in that moment for me. His love reached out to me and thus when I got into the restaurant I felt more peace.

I want to tell you that life with Christ is easy. I want to tell you that it makes sense all the time. God is sovereign, right? But maybe we just need to ask Him to open our spiritual eyes more often to see what He is really doing. Maybe we need to open our spirits to receive healing for these moments. I think He is ready to show us His strength in our weakness.