the beginning of a journey

If you have never heard Ginny Owens sing her song If You Want Me To, then you should go to myspace.com right now and listen to it (the link is to your right). Here are the lyrics:

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear

and I dont know the reasons why you brought me here

but just because you love me the way that you do,

I am going to walk through the valley if you want me to

Cause I am not who I was when I took my first step

and I am clinging to the promise that you are not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will go through the fire if you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world thats not my home

but you never said it would be easy, you only said that I will never go alone

And I wish I could sing it to you because it is so beautiful and soft and sweet and genuine.

On February 8, 2007, this was the song that was stuck in my head. Over and over again it played as I walked through my day. I probably went to a class or two, maybe did some homework and talked with friends. I wrote this in my journal, not understanding the connection: Is there such a thing as a honeymoon stage with God? I feel as though there is this new love and appreciation for who He is. As though we have begun a new romance. I cannot believe I have this whole life ahead of me to know and spend with such a wonderful God!

That night I went to a house on Farvilla to meet with some people from my church, the Vineyard, to pray and worship and seek the Lord together. During the worship time, I felt like the Lord was speaking to me saying, Do you trust me enough for what I am going to give you? And I answered Him, Lord, If it is you, bid me come. Just after that, Bree, one of my closest friends came over to me and prayed for me. She heard the Lord say to me, The path that I have you on is hard, but I will not let you fall. I will lead you and protect you.

It is so funny to me that so often when we hear things from the Lord we do not sew them together in our hearts and see the big picture. We are so often inclined to apply conversations such as these to our immediate circumstances without considering the whole of what God may desire to do in and through us. So, I immediately applied these words to my leadership position at the time and the spiritual implications of it. I am almost moved to laughter when I read the pages that follow this conversation in my journal. They are full of my prayers about seeking God regarding going to China. Eventually they recount His affirmation towards me going. Why was I not able to see what He was doing?

Song of Songs 1:4 says Draw me after you, and let us run together. At this point in the narrative, the bride is overtaken with fascination with the bridegroom and so she beckons him to take her hand and to draw her after him, speaking of him drawing her into deep intimacy with him. And then she asks him to allow her to run with him, speaking of taking action together. He, just as fascinated with her as she is with him (probably more) eventually brings her into his home and feeds her and provides for her. S.O.S 2:4 says, He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. And as she sits there in his house being fed raisin cakes and apples, enjoying her lovesick state, he comes down from the mountains. He looks at her through the lattice and then (I imagine) he comes through the door and runs to her, grabbing both of her hands, with excitement in his eyes and his heart about to burst with love for her. And then he says, Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along. O, the beauty of this scene. That is exactly what she asked him for in 1:4!

I wish I could tell you that she sprung out of her chair and threw her arms around his neck, vowing that she would never leave his side even if it meant climbing mountains. I even wish I could tell you that she shed a little tear but despite her fear went anyway. No, she said, in essence, But my dear, my love, I am so comfortable here in your home, feasting from the table of your Father. And 2:17 says, Turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of Bether.

O, how I want to weep when I read this! The beauty of the scene, like a delicately painted canvas, created with just the right colors. And here he is wanting and ready to answer her plea. And she says no!? But you can just see the disappointment in his eyes and you can feel his heart drop down into his stomach. Ahh! It hurts so much.

I think this is how she felt when he left. He was still her beloved. She could not forget the ways that her heart had been moved when he first looked at her and declared her beautiful despite her darkness. In 3:1 the narrative tells us that she laid in bed and thought of him, seeking him even. She even wandered through the town to try to find him, she asks people, Have you seen the one my soul loves? 3:4 says, Scarcely had I left them when I found the one my soul loves; I held onto him and would not let him go. There we go, that is the kind of reaction that is more appropriate for this relationship and for this situation.

The narrative following this text describes their wedding and then she does go with him to the mountains. It is so beautiful! After they come down from the mountains together and she has seen how he is a wonderful protector and a good husband she says this to him, Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; Make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits! She beckons the winds from the north (the winds of hardship and cold) and from the south (the winds of refreshment and plenty). She is completely transformed in her love for him because now she is fearless in the face of the wind which could blow her garden away. Instead she begs for them to come in order that her fragrance may be spread abroad (2 Cor. 2:14-16). And then she extends the invitation to her beloved to come into her (and now his because of their intimate relationship) garden and to partake of its choice fruits. Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but this is WONDERFUL!

The most striking thing about this whole story is that it is all just a beautiful allegory for the romance Christ wants to have with us. Think back to my description of February 8, 2007. I was lovesick. I was ever asking Him to draw me after Him so that we would run together. And in different ways at different times, I have refused to go up the mountain with Him only to seek after Him and not find Him. But on February 8, I think I beckoned the winds to come.

What I have walked through during the last year has so closely resembled the song If You Want Me To. Song of Songs 5 is the beautiful description of this walk. And you will have to read the next posts to learn of that journey. But let me give you a hint, His mouth is full of sweetness and He is wholly desireable. This is my Beloved and this is my Friend (5:16).